In a recent survey on my OF page, when I asked my subscribers if I should tone down the depressingly long posts and be more positive, most people voted something along the lines of “post the honest stuff even if it’s weird/dark” but I swear to god.... The long winded posts, vulnerable videos, more authentically driven things like that, while a core of my being, always make me lose subscribers. They can be a nightmare for "engagement", which is a driving force of maintaining my account and in turn my livelihood. True authenticity is bad for business. It’s a seesaw: part of me really cares about how I am perceived by others, part of me just doesn’t give a fuck and will continue to emote profusely even if it’s dark, gross, cringe, too real, dystopian.
Viewers on my OF could see the full video. Yeah it’s another long ass video with me making my bed whilst scantily clad and sleep deprived (so I can sleep in it) and venting about the cyber world, parasociality, alienation, collaboration, the discontents of creativity. Creativity is not good for business. Neurodivergent life. Idk maybe the video is just bad, unhinged, and nonsensical. This is the type of dark web shit I like seeing in people I follow, but I’m very well aware that practically no one shares my tastes lol so I will sex it up for you.
Sometimes I think I would trade all my creativity for mass appeal; other times I am happy being the way I am because the subscribers are better — you were drawn to me because in addition to thinking I’m hot, you’re also gravitating towards the weird, creative, and unknown. Millions of girls to choose from, and yet you’re here. I’m thankful we can have really cool conversations on here more than “hey babe” “how is your day” “sup u horny? 😜” …. cause I never know how to answer that. The dreaded “how are you” lol I don’t know!! Oh man. I continue to exist. So yes I’m fuckin glad I can have real intellectual and conceptual convos on here with kind and respectful people. Honestly I just wish I made more money. I live in a very high cost of living state and with inflation, rent going up, debt etc I do feel envious of people who can play the capitalist game and hack the system. Every time you tip your favorite SWer you make their day. But a little part of my soul does die each time I do promo/marketing/advertising until I will have no more soul left to be perceived.
What’s it like being perceived? The very notion of being perceived in any reality is already so strange, it morphs into a whole other level with the e-self. The e-self is so fragmented and there will always be people who find me cool, people who find me insufferable, people who don’t care to form an opinion. Being “positive” online is me in cosplay. While I can see why that turns people off, there’s that trade off I must consider in between my true feelings and the false positive nature I share online. I can call myself an optimist and it would be true of my avatar, but not of me. I’m a bluntly honest person and sometimes I have no filter. It’s not that I don’t feel joy or drive, I just feel it less than others.
What are some of the trade-offs of being in the digital realm? The price we pay for the convenience of the internet is that it does something harsh to our brains. We expect instant gratification and even our sense of time and memory is altered. But surely there is a digital utopian dream within this all, isn’t there? You subscribed for the simulation, right?
Why isn’t body image discussed more in x rated content? I have a lot to say about this subject matter such that it probably warrants its own separate post, but a field in which the body is the primary moneymaker the body is subject to both limitation and idealization (yes arguments could be made for the mind and the personality being supplemental to the body, but my looks are the reason I caught your eye 99% of the time). The body is scrutinized as though in a meat market. Not everyone can handle this. The way I cope is I’m just objectively used to it, partially even enjoy it in a way, and I feel dissociation and alienation are like second nature to me. I’m at peace with my body for the most part, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this. I had a painful but successful recovery from my eating disorder and could never have pictured myself exposing a body that I hated so deeply. Now my attitude had changed and I treat myself better. Starvation and deprivation is a lame way to slowly ruin yourself. I would rather be fatter and happier. Any body type will be lucrative as long as there’s swag and love behind it. The meat market prefers confidence. Insecurity of the body will always be there, especially for girls, especially in a visually dominated industry, but I’m glad to have it much less. I’m far from the hottest, but I’m still hot! And I think that’s still really fuckin cool cause never in my life have I had thoughts of myself as pretty, hot, sexy etc, in the way I do now. All body issues stem from the mind anyway, so getting over the mental blocks and recovering from chronic stress is really the key to success imo.
Why don’t we talk about burnout more? You can’t perform at your best if you’re burned out. (Burnout is another major major major thing that needs to be discussed more btw). I think many of us are far beyond burned out to the point where it’s chronic. The body and mind have their fragile human limitations, the meat sacks that we are. I do believe it is the responsibility of the upper hierarchy to help those below them, because hoarding (of anything, whether it’s wealth or advice or things) is inhumane. In my perfect delusional fantasy world there would be a redistribution of wealth and better living conditions for all people. Life is just full on misery sometimes, we don’t deserve that. We all deserve to be as healthy wealthy happy and loved as we can. I do believe that. We deserve happiness just not at the expense of others. In a war there are no winners only losers. We deserve peace.
What would I do if I made a lot of money from OF? I admire the few people on top who genuinely use their earnings to better society; I’ve seen a few porn accounts who have opened animal sanctuaries and do activism/humanitarian support, which is fucking cool. Selflessness will never not be cool. If I had financial power I would 1. Help animals 🦔 2. Start an art grant for creative SWers 3. Take a year off work, a selfish indulgent long vacation to do nothing but unwind from life. At that point I would have earned it and I’ll have rested enough to comfortably help others.
How has there not been an art grant for SWers?? I really wish there was better mutual aid in this field, but like most people in the world in any field, personal expenses always come first // this is what capitalism has ingrained into us from day one. Also the hidden and stigmatized factor of being an SW dampens a lot of efficacy of mutual aid things. The competition of this field is also the worst part of it, people can become overly competitive and start gatekeeping. This is also part of why I want the Cyberhorny thing to get going, as a source of guidance for creators who may need it. When I was starting out I wish I had something/someone like that to encourage me but be realistic. If I can be that for someone, I would be happy. Honestly that is major goal for me, that if later this year my account is doing okay I would love to create a grant even if it’s a smaller amount like $500 or $1000 to help someone who could use the money for equipment or lighting or whatever would help them succeed as a rising obscure star in the cybersex world. I feel incredibly grateful being supported by you guys here and being able to scrape by with this as my job but it hits different being supported in a big way by a fellow SW.
What is porn to me? Laying in bed and resting is like porn to me.
Thank you if you’ve read and/or watched this, and if this resonated with you.
The dreaded, "How are you".
So whenever someone asks me the dreaded "how are you" I almost always reply that I am "Living the dream" and if they choose to forget that not all dreams are happy dreams I let it go with that.
Then again, most people that ask me that question aren't actually inquiring about my well-being, they are just trying to exchange polite pleasantries. See, I am a fat, ugly, old man. In general people are much less interested in the well-being of fat, ugly, old men then they are in the well-being of fit, hot, young women. That is just the nature of society. So instead of trying to force a long protracted philosophical conversation …