We are all perverts, this is nothing new. What is pinpointed in Cyberhorny is the imminent internet dynamic. The rapprochement between individual and internet, interfered with by all the dynamics of the social and the unconscious. The echoes back and forth that impact, create, destroy the subjectivity of all involved. The dynamics of profilicity that reverberate from projection to integration - as I send a pic and get one back - the gauze of subjective destitution that envelops all parties involved. Am I this Thing that I am looking at, is she or he this or that.
Nastya Valentine grounds her new analysis of this sphere in that which most subsumes it yet is least included in its discourse - a collective and sexual unconscious.
“Once the unconscious is taken into account, we can no longer really justify thinking about sex as interpersonal. Each person in a sexual encounter relates to an unconscious fantasy, to an imaginary image, or to a signifier before he or she relates to the other person(s) present” ( Jacques Lacan 2017, p. 402).
What Nastya Valentine puts forward here is an attempt to shatter the fraudulent authenticity and artifice of this cyber horny hell-scape and graft a cartography of the real alien networks and pathways that constitute it. Sex work is neither valorized or demonized in this project. It is only through an objective gaze that its dynamics can be fully apprehended. But this is not just a stark and drab academic analysis. As she does online, Nastya Valentine incorporates her own self - her history, traumas, and emotions, - into the examination. After all, how can a field so rife with idiosyncratic libidinal impulses be analyzed without the incorporation and utilization of the self.
-Evan Dunn, opening statements in Cyberhorny: Navigating a Sexual Dystopia
On March 27, 2020, I published my first OnlyFans post. Four years later I’m in my office pacing pensively - lingerie scattered on the carpet and ring lights with iPhones surrounding me like a mirrored funhouse - reflecting on having been naked online through a pandemic, contemplating the psychoanalysis of baring it all. The boudoir is a visual echo chamber - traditionally the very term 'boudoir' means 'sulking-place'. To pout, sulk. The bedroom is one of my offices, a research center from which I interface with online clients who too engage in their own kind of cerebral, psychosexual activity within my chamber of reflection. For whom is my bedroom not a place to think, to sulk, to goon, to perv, to discourse, to ruminate? Ah yes, pull up a chair. Start gooning. What is the thinking man jerking it to today?
Dear reader, I propose here a few unanswerable questions:
What do we not know about the life and journey of a sex worker? What do we choose to not want to know? What do we willingly ignore? Do we even care to mix in the philosophical, the personal, with the pornographic? Dare we meld the thinking mind with the fleshy body? And to add another layer to this unholy copulation - the astral digital body?
Long live the new flesh
-Videodrome
The internet is oversaturated with babes like me advertising their sex appeal to lure the attention of men into their paid platforms, to get clicks on their linktree or beacons from a bikini post or a titty bouncing video or a juicy thigh in a short skirt. Some will be enticed and click, others will completely ignore, others still will make the grandstanding statement of “I don’t pay for porn”, expressing derogatory views on women who successfully monetize their bodies in a patriarchal system. How dare a woman take agency of her body, commodify it into transactional sex and god forbid enjoy it. The nerve of a woman to be horny on the internet.
Do I get horny being nude online, knowing so many people can see my body in states of undress? I get a sense of power and vulnerability at once, a vindication for all the men who have rejected me on the premise of not being attractive enough, or too weird, or too out there. Knowing that now guys pay to see my naked body, pay to talk to me, to have access to my time and my sexuality, is almost more valuable than the money itself. Let me get this straight: I love when men goon to me. It turns me on to receive their tips, their compliments, their support, their submission, their domination, and to have my image be at the center of their desire.
Desire in a sexual capacity is libidinal energy. Phenomenologically, the libido is what we encounter beyond sex: our rage, joy, anxiety, dread, and frustration are all part of it. Sex is not really about sex; underneath our sexual urges, our horning and gooning and perving, we have a network of feelings that fuel our libido. Where do kinks come from? The unconscious made sexual, fixated on an object or action that turns us on at the deepest level.
“The psyche creates reality every day. The only expression I can use for this reality is fantasy.” -Carl Jung
I believe it’s important to talk about sexuality in this digital age not singularly from the Onlyfans perspective but from a whore’s eye view of the entire system. Every one of us has a fantasy, a deep and impenetrable core desire. Those desires, especially when of a sexual nature, cannot be acted on within daily social spheres; this is why people subscribe and visit sex workers, to deviate from mundane daily life into a world where fantasy is a reality and desires can be freely explored. It is why the characters in Westworld went to the park; a human drive to encounter the beyond-human, the almost-human, the lifelike simulation. Deeper selves can reveal themselves to us by virtue of direct contact with the uncanny valley. There is a reason why I’ve often cosplayed characters like Rachael from Blade Runner, Leeloo from Fifth Element, Dolores from Westworld. It’s not enough to be a hot babe online losing a little piece of my soul to objectification; merging with a character who isn’t really real, who is already an object, takes my version of fantasy full circle, plays with the simulacra, dissociates me from my own cognition and ressociates me into a disparate sexistential cyber domain. I take great pleasure in that escape, in those levels of turning into an object who is a human who is an object who is a…
We live in a reality that is often so bleak that an escape into fantasy can be a salve for pains of the heart. Fulfillment of an inner longing through kink expression can mitigate what constrains us in our quotidian drama. Of course we all want recreational sex and cyber sex to be fun, but when we stop to think about what is beneath the base layer of pleasure, I think we’ll find some subconscious surprises. Can kinks be an encounter with the soul?
“Of particular interest to an archetypal consideration of BDSM, Carl Jung’s Red Book draws repeatedly upon images of suffering, torture, domination, submission, and enslavement. In his Liber Primus, he wrote: ‘I recognize that I am only the expression and symbol of the soul… completely subjugated, utterly obedient.’ As an archetypal theme with roots that extended into the collective psyche, Jung found that the dynamic of domination and submission has psychological value for the process of his own growth. … The Jungian concepts of individuation, differentiation, shadow, and syzygy contribute to a soul-based understanding of BDSM. Alternative sexualities are by their nature countercultural and subversive. At some point, a kinky person acknowledges that he or she cannot feel authentic or whole without allowing deeper truths to become part of life.”
-Douglas Thomas, The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink
Why are we so obsessed with sex? Why do we want it? A quick google search will pull up this and that, biological imperative this, intimate connection that, a thousand ways to intellectualize sex. My goodness, how hard we try to rationalize the intangible, the emotional, the metaphysical, the unknowable. But one look at the person we desire most, when our body reacts before our mind, when our heart rate is triggered, will tell us this: sex defies logic, and the erotic exchange is driven by mystery more than analysis or extrapolation. We don’t choose who we’re attracted to, though we can spend countless hours theorizing on why. What we can choose is to engage in our fantasy - we can choose to connect, to deepen, to investigate.
What really happens in a digital erotic exchange between me and my subscribers, who turn to me to fulfill a fantasy, if just a desire to connect with a cyber babe who’s lifelike and responsive? What goes on in my mind at that time - is it a fulfilling thing for me, or just a job? For some people, the impulse to connect with a real human girl and not a spam bot or a sexting assistant is more exquisite than just seeing nudes. The drive to be heard, seen, listened to. In that way of stimulating the mind attached to the body, I become something of a therapist.
What I choose to post and curate, is it because of exhibitionism or because of business? Is this my fetish? We all have a fetish. All these clients who come to me for fetish work — they have human lives, go to their jobs, pay their bills, eat their breakfasts, have their coffee, talk to their parents, feel their neuroses, put their shoes on, experience highs and lows of life. They’re coming to a place of voyeuristic interactive parasocial fantasy where they can have fun with fetishes; a safe space to enact them in, an active sex life on the internet, perhaps a secret life of their own. What I choose to post is for them, matching supply to demand, but in a way where I too enjoy the commodity that I am supplying. Sometimes I try to predict what may be wanted and create the content that fits best; however, predictive elements are rarely correct, and the more contrived they are, the worse they perform. So my main approach is posting in stream of consciousness whatever happened that day, like a horny version of my diary. The XXX Sylvia Plath. I bring my humanity online — but is showing emotional range along with showing skin a positive or a negative?
Do the subscribers really just want a fantasy girl in a simulated world, willfully negating the humanity of the model? Or are they affected by the interactions more deeply, beyond objectification?
Objectifying ourselves before the men can is what pays our rent. Every month when I pay my rent in this overpriced apartment in LA I know Karl Marx had the tea. And every month when I sell my soul to incessant advertising I look at my kitties, my Oxycontin doll plushies, and remind myself what I’m really grinding for.
So how much of it is real?
How do I compartmentalize my libidinal energy between having a flesh and blood real life, and the digital world in my phone? Similarly in the way everyone else with a remote job that takes clients does - I don’t take my work home. It’s hard because there is a ton of bleedthrough in my realities, but overall for the sake of sanity I keep my personal life and professional life separate.
Lacan once said: “what does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?”
My fans, in totality, as amazing as they are with the goddess worship and the adulation and the gifts, and as grateful as I am for their life changing interactions on my OF, cannot run their hands through my hair, hold me when I’m feeling depressed, take me out for a weekend of adventure, or enrich my life with their laugh. I think if I were to combine all my subscribers into one man, I would probably fall in love and marry him on the spot. (Not going into this here and I will never do this again but there is a chapter in my book about how I did in fact fall in love with and date a fan.)
A girl in love experiences GIRL BRAIN - a terrifying and intoxicating heightened state of consciousness. Love is a chemical reaction. Lust is a chemical reaction. Within the mind-body problem, how would the internet complicate things? Would Descartes and Spinoza subscribe to my Onlyfans, allured by my breasts and intrigued by my thesis? You can be the smartest man alive and be reduced to stupidity by one delicious interaction. I suppose that is also a joy of seduction; to relieve the mind of overthinking.
A desirous state of consciousness impacts the decisions people make. Horny for sex, horny for respect, horny for connection - where does the rabbit hole of hornidom lead? A liminal space of arousal.
Why do people make the choice to subscribe? And why to me, when there are countless nsfw content creators out there, advertising their alluring selves one thirst trap at a time. I seem to historically have been a magnet for curious nerds who’ve enjoyed talking to me almost more so than watching me fuck. Was that what made me more appealing then, my brain over my boobs? My philosophy over my pussy? The psychology of the horny brain is fascinating to me; what kind of decisions are made in a state of altered horniness?
These sexistential relations are what I explore on my OnlyFans, and on a larger experiential scale in this Cyberhorny research project, centering on my upcoming book Cyberhorny: Navigating a Sexual Dystopia, which has been on my mind and my laptop for 2+ years.
There are many highlights and discontents of existing in sexual dystopia with longevity, niche, and nuance - the decay of my attention span, the freedom of a flexible schedule, the five phone dilemma, the tesla livestreams, the dissociation from my body, the fluctuation of my income, the myriad of both hate and validation that parasocially plagues me, the rewards and the psychic crises… how it’s all oscillated, commodified, villainized, glamorized.. and how a real one thugs it all out and bosses up - so much of my recent time has been in the trenches of writing my book, not focusing on short form content — this is the first article I’ve put up there in over 6 months.
Some people ask me why I got into sex work and if I ever find it humiliating. No, what I find humiliating is deferring to a micromanaging boss or store manager, feeling exhausted at the end of a work day, the manual labor and the repetitive commute. I get deeper into the why and how in the upcoming book, but starting my OF catalyzed my entry into a dream lifestyle of working from home, having a semblance of financial stability, making a living by being my self. You might not see integrity in dignity in sex work, but I do, especially in relation to other jobs I've had. As you’ll see further, the most humiliating element I see in my job is the marketing.
“It is not the payment that disgraces the prostitute.”
-George Bataille, Erotism
It all started with my Tesla album and live streaming / documentation of it early in the pandemic. That was what I was doing on OF before, and whilst, posting nudes. There is an article on WMF deep diving into Hentai & Crack Vol 1. It was kind of an endurance experiment to see if I could do it. I had cammed in the years before but my inconsistency made me terrible at it, so in order to not feel inadequate I wanted to see what consistency on a nsfw platform would do for me. Like so many people, I lost my day job in the coronavirus era so I had a lot of free time to dedicate to … whatever creative or personal pursuit had been bubbling. I activated my OF profile, which I had already been considering in the prepandemic months, and really took the plunge.
Turns out I was pretty good at it. Within my first few weeks on the platform I was in the top 14% of creators just by showing up, and by the end of 2020 I was in the top 4, 3, 2% and the year following I had crossed into the 1%. If this sounds like a flex:
1. After years of self loathing, let me have this lol
2. Detaching the ego and analytically observing for growth, this shows how the stock goes up at the end of the fistcal year at the ball street market of the girl economy — and how it falls back down. My page has fluctuated between the 1-2, 0-1, 2-3, 1-2%’s through the years and I definitely feel that impacting my motivation, burnout, self assessment, and credibility within the sw community
3. In itself this is not a meteoric rise, if anything it’s shameful compared to how other bigger creators hustle
4. The percentage rankings system is an aggregated tool to gauge growth and inspire motivation; often though the competitive aspect of this can be soul crushing. I see this ranking system as a load of dog shit and inaunetheticity. It also does not make as much money as people may think to be in a particular percentage and is mostly used as an advertising ploy. In a HCOL area, a 2% or above (below?) ranking can be enough to have a decent, comfortable living. Anything below (above) the 5% I would say is barely enough to get by.
5. My plateau is like a soft retirement. I’ve turned active income into passive income. While I don’t have the same amount of fans and earnings any more, I can maintain my lifestyle and have my needs met. I’ve proven to myself several times over starting from scratch, that what goes down can come back up. It just gets more difficult each time.
Note: don’t hate the player, hate the game. It’s absolutely evil that we have to exist in this cold and heartless capitalist system that rewards status based carnivorous self-advertising and discourages heart based human authenticity. We all have emotions tied to capital stemming from our individual upbringings in a class system we have no control over. As someone who grew up with nothing, raised by an eternally stressed and struggling immigrant single mom in the circle of hell that is poverty, it has always been important to me to create my own safety nets, keep an eye on my budget, run a tight ship in business + a tight pussy in commerce, and observe societal injustices, advocating for the underdog. Every day of my life I worry about survival, I worry about stability, I worry about my future: it’s a trauma that cannot be easily unlearned. It's a wound that cuts deep. Still, I’m not immune to greed and gratification. I like my things. If you can’t beat capitalism, make it goon for you.
Ding ding ding: jackpot!!! Jack(it) pot !!
The first realization of lucrativeness from Onlyfans was startling and amazing for me. I never expected to actually make any money doing it. I’m just being myself and sexually objectifying the most appealing elements of my persona. When I realized there was demand for that, demand for me, I capitalized on it. Timing was in my favor - right at the start of the pandemic, everyone was at home, terrified and uncertain and bored and horny, gazing at a screen. Thousands of people gazed at my image on the screen as I advertised in slutty outfits, produced my album, did random mundane stuff around the house, took selfies, played Pokemon, monologued, did nothing, read a book, manically cried, cut my bangs, put on makeup, took off my bra, used my first vibrator, leaned into the gooning, seduced a Bernie Sanders cardboard cutout etc.
It excited me, seeing my numbers rise. It filled me with delight when gooners perved on my body - a lesson in self-confidence and body comfort with all this validation. Of course I had haters too, from comments like “no one would ever date a whore, you need to find Jesus” to “your flat boobs look like fried eggs”. On the inverse, it made me sick seeing my numbers fall as my burnout increased and my wherewithal, my capacity to work declined. Even now, as I work part-time and no longer have the numerical gratification I had at my peak, I subconsciously ask, “wtf is wrong with me? This is catastrophic. Why am I such a failure?” Failure and success are cyclical and subjective. It is still empowering to maintain a fanbase at a plateau; the competitive and perfectionistic aspects of e-capitalism have definitely conditioned me in a way where I see a bad week as a failure, which to me is embarrassing, even if it’s been an overall rewarding four years. Four more years!!! Will there be four more years? Four more months? Four more days? I don’t know. This field is not for the faint of heart because it is wildly unpredictable, especially as far as longevity goes. Life never promises us certainty, especially not in adult entertainment, where attention spans are as fleeting as cum down a sewer drain, and every day a shiny new barely legal toy enters the market.
Longevity is not something I thought about when I started. I had literally no expectation of how long I wanted to do this beyond the day of or the day following. My focus was fixated on the validation I was receiving - something very new for me.
It was gratifying to have random strangers salivate over me when I’ve had a history of body image issues and dysmorphia, eating disorder woes, and men irl rejecting me for not being hot enough. That self-defeating attitude rears its ugly head every time I experience a micro rejection. “Oh no, that post flopped, that shoot made no money, I’m a has-been, I’m not hot anymore”. And just like that a stream of new subscribers will come seemingly out of nowhere. Well, I’m hot now, bitch, ha! A product of value in the girl economy. To transcend that loop of <<succeeded/failed>> dichotomy thinking, I had to earn validation within myself, with long term weekly therapy and inner shadow work, not the vacuous cycle of marketing and externalizing.
Ludic loop: a cycle of repeating the same activity because every so often you get a reward
Promotion on social platforms is its own circle of hell - the spikes of validation as posts go viral, deflation of the ego as posts flop. The irregularities of the algorithms and their intermittent reinforcement can be a drain on the psyche. You have to have a lot of patience - with yourself, with clients, with sudden shifts in income, with the internet, with your nervous system. All the dopamine spikes when posts gain likes, or when money comes in, can go away all too quickly. This is part of the reason why many people don’t last long in this industry, unless they’re an established creator with a massive celebrity-like following. Even then, it can be fleeting, as in: hey, remember x from y years ago who used to do z? Yeah. It’s a lot to endure. Some creators, if they’re savvy, can bankroll the rest of their lives from a few years in porn. Others remain in sex work lifelong, either because of enjoyment or survival, or even a secret third thing. Familiarity, perhaps. I don’t know which category I will fit into. I tend to defy genre. Being that I currently only work part time, I can see it being one mental breakdown away from early retirement; or on the contrary, connecting even more deeply into my whore endeavors to establish myself as a “brand” (screaming in horror and resistance) with Cyberhorny as a niche obscure legacy that will live on after I die. Who knows, really. I don’t have control over the Nastya narrative or outside perception once it’s posted into the void. Cyberhorny wasn’t started as a moneymaking venture — passion projects never are nor should be — but a way of transmitting information about the psychological elements in online sexuality that may go unnoticed. A peek behind the curtain of how and why cam girls operate.
It’s shocking to me in general that as a society we don’t have proper education in sexual, emotional, and financial realms. I’m kicking myself in the ass for not knowing what a high yield savings or a Roth IRA was until later in life. Where was this knowledge when I started working at 18? It’s very important to have transparency and education about things we all as humans actually encounter in daily life. I guess my past 4 years on OF were like a postgrad program of sorts. Will I use it with practicality, or with stupidity? We’ll see. Stay tuned.
To anyone thinking to enter an incredibly unstable field with fluctuating income, having a pension plan and larger goal in mind are essential. What do you really want in life? A house? A family? A car? A worldwide travel adventure? Early retirement? Think about those things to motivate you, and try not to overspend on something lavishly tempting because you have a sudden influx of sexy cash. Delayed gratification will help short term wins turn into long term goals.
It’s common for creators to receive a rush of popularity, get acclimated to a more lavish lifestyle, and develop the expectation that the fans and money will keep coming in steadily, exponentially even. The only certain thing in the creator economy is uncertainty: a viral account getting suspended or banned can cost that month’s income, and rebuilding from scratch isn’t easy. Most of the savvy creators have several social accounts at once to buffer this, and maintaining them consistently is a hell of a lot of work. Even OF accounts themselves are prone to arbitrary deletion — I’ve discoursed about my experiences with this too. Another thing that can run down momentum and longevity: as exciting as doing content creation can be in the beginning, at a certain point it simply becomes a job.
At a certain point in my OF tenure, the excitement and newness of putting myself out there on socials had turned into a drudge, a chore, a job, with the loop of advertising making me queasy. Even your dream job can turn into a hamster wheel sometimes. You can like, even love, the job you have and still be disappointed by aspects of it. The actual content creation is super fun, I love filming myself and curating a set of photos. The shoots are exhausting, but it's still fun. Talking to clients is enjoyable too, especially the respectful people who carry a conversation with grace and are clear about the services they want. Of course I get assholes, I just set strong boundaries and block them. Oh, the disappointment I feel is in the drudge of self-promoting on the internet.
Countless insta accounts getting banned? OF page getting deleted? Bitch, I got PUBED!!! When a setback or cognitive plateau happens, I have to suck it up, stop whining, boss up, push through, recalibrate, shut the fuck up, and do my goddamn job. When I get demotivated I remotivate by thinking about what really drives me. For example, one of those things being this OF-related project. There is the extrinsic motivation of money and gifts, and the intrinsic motivation of using the information I have at my disposal to help people understand a bit more about the online sexual psychology. I'm here for creators who will come after, and standing on the shoulders of giants who've been here before me, who integrate sexuality and intellect with boldness and curiosity. To interrogate what most people fear is to create societal change, one cyber horny perv at a time.
“Historically, women’s sexuality and intellect have never been integrated. Women’s bodies were controlled, and their sexuality was contained, in order to avert their corrupting impact on men’s virtue.” -Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
It’s like a secret dance being Nastya with the horny internet nudes and Nastya with the tangible human life. How do they intersect? It’s giving Laura Palmer. Having this much fragmentation can be jarring. It leaves me in a strange headspace sometimes. Compartmentalization can be stressful, and it can also feel natural: an integration. In a duplicitous headspace that leans depressive, what if I focused on my wins rather than my woes? Is it too late to become an iconic optimist?
“Never regret your mistakes. Admire the courage it took to attempt the unknown.” -a fortune card from my Yogi tea
It’s hard to say what my most popular or iconic or highest-earning content has been. My archive is massive and varied. I’ve done some surveys on my page which asked my followers what sticks out in their memory and everyone has a different response. “Blade Runner themed sex video” “Sylvia Plath sexting” “Cyberhorny research” “fuck machine video” “naked elf princess cosplay” “breeding fetish video” “your creative and calming presence” “body writing bondage video” “idk just ur general vibe”
In a way it’s flattering because it shows range, but in a larger way it shows my ineffectiveness to adhere to a singular brand. I’m not a formulaic person by any means; most of my posts are spontaneous and chaotic, and all of my successes I attribute to luck and timing rather than strategy. One day I hope that will change, and I can become more savvy.
Me when I take my Xanax: ohhh fuckkkk.. you’re gonna make me calm
Shadow bans and device bans have historically greatly slowed my porno movement and promo strategies. Every other day I’d get pubed by another guideline violation warning or content removal. Even my sfw content has a target on its back, and I’m ousted from sfw spaces or not taken seriously as a person because of what I do for a living. Welcome to the most annoying jigsaw trap of marketing-in-between, where the only way to get through it is to dissociate and think like an AI.
That is how many top creators giving formulaic cutthroat advice on YouTube and strategy forums would have you think - think MLM grifters but with OF advice packages, targeted at new creators who could get that type of advice for free if they dug deeper on on discord or reddit. Calculating views and conversion rates. Pre-scripted DM responses and sexting done by assistants. Depersonalized relationships with men treated as ATMs. Dissociation and inauthenticity. Strategies that are a copy of a copy. Simulacra and simulation in real time. There is nothing inherently wrong with systematized operations; we all have our ways of making income, and the most successful people in any given field tend to be the most ruthless and strategic, delegating tasks to a team. Likely, subscribers already know this, at least subconsciously, and willingly submit to depersonalized fantasy so long as it gets them off. I’m not in the business, I am a business.
The beauty of established creators is their wisdom and experience. If they’re taking the time to give out their tips and advice for free, it’s worth listening to and not arguing with them. They could be charging for they mentorship and their time - the most valuable commodity we as humans have. I’ve observed this on some forums where new creators will argue with veterans’ tips, then complain that their page isn’t taking off. Community and friendliness are very important assets to us - as if we aren’t stigmatized and isolated enough already. My advice to newer creators would be to study the existing structures, find methods that work for you and lean into them, but with a signature of your own. Oh, and make friends. Make art. make it fun and easy for yourself.
My own methods of operation have varied through the years, and I’ve certainly done my share of pre-queued posts and aggressive marketing, but in general I have always challenged the formulaic approach by engaging in a meta analysis of OF on my page, interacting in a human way in real time, and answering all messages myself, even if it takes me a few days to sift through my inbox. Even during my peak months I haven’t felt the need to hire an assistant, mainly because I’ve developed an online voice and conduct that’s hard for someone else to replicate. I’ve been dissected on many an OF forum for not doing it “the right way”. Deviating from the norm will always be a threat to belief systems - even my own. The thing is, there are many ways to succeed on OF - one does not need to follow a formula or become fully impersonal to do so. Or you can. You can do whatever you want. Regardless, it is incredibly hard work any way you slice it, any way that authenticity and online identity is manufactured. The upkeep of structure and necessity of organization is critical.
The way I’ve made my living has been by doing the exact opposite of manufacturing a new identity: leaning in to any humanity I have, suppressing any urge of false advertising, and addressing the artificiality. I might not be cashing in on thousands of subscribers a day or making seven figures, but I’ve managed to turn my oasis of perverted nerds into a catalyst of a project that transcends OF, and touches on something beyond a paywall: our sexual collective unconscious.
What is at the core of our devious presences online? It has to mirror a real-life desire, or reveal a deeper part of us to ourselves. Can we ever find dignity and authenticity in porn? Amongst deepfakes, AIs, bots, assistants, can we find something spellbindingly real? Is this even a question worth asking, because we want the fake to stay fake? Some of these questions arise in me as I rewatch Westworld, with its circuitous plots and mind-bending puzzles of consciousness and humanity within artificial intelligence programs.
Cut to me in my Dolores Abernathy cosplay: “these horny delights have horny ends.”
The impact of artificial intelligence on nsfw content has been a hot topic and I’ve written a deep dive on this on Cyberhorny before. Read it here. It’s interesting, this human woman—robot continuum, because already when interfacing with some OF and cam pages you can tell they are managed by an agency or using AI support because of how spammy or unlifelike the model’s conversations seem. BUY MY VIDEO ON SALE FOR DADDY’S BIG COCK JOIN SEX PARTY TODAY IF ONE PERSON LIKES MY POST ILL MASTURBATE MY PUSSY HI I’M SO HORNY ARE YOU HORNY BIG PUSSY ONLY FOR THE NEXT 3 PEOPLE SHOULD I FUCK A FAN I JUST TURNED 18 AND MADE ONLYFANS MY BOOBS ARE CUMMING DADDY I NEED TO GET FUCKED
I suppose it’s not too late for me to level up my strategy and be less lifelike in the pursuit of the fistcal dream. America, fuck yeah! Go big or go home, right? This year gonna be a movie fr.
In 2022 a short documentary called “Valentine” was made about my OF experience by filmmaker Sinead Kierans. She graciously involved me in the process and the film went to several festivals, one of which I attended in New York. How cool it was to have someone dissect my digital persona in such a creative way, but also how striking the reality of outing myself as SW to the demonizing public as a guest at the film’s Q & A - a lesson in media training and handling critique. People asked me questions like “so what do you do for a real job?” “What do your parents think of it?” “Aren’t you afraid of stalkers?” “What do you do with your money?” … There were also supportive critiques but it’s the dicey ones that stand out in my mind. I still see that as a positive and enriching experience and am very thankful to Sinead for her interest, compassion, and hard work. I loved the film.
I haven’t posted much about that, even though I probably should. There is a part of me that downplays my wins and stays inside of a comfort zone. Comfort zones are bad, yes, but take into consideration that I must be careful of which public spaces I inhibit. Being outed as a sex worker is a terrifying experience. I may be gratuitously naughty online but in my real life, I’m not an exhibitionist. I still don’t really know what to say when people ask me “what do you do?” I have more social anxiety than people think. I'm shy.
In some way having an OF has become normalized, especially by prominent figures like Ruby Rose, Blacc Chyna, Cardi B etc every other influencer having a sw-adjacent venture.. This is great for destigmatizing sex work a whole, but it’s still different for independent creators. I don’t have the social safety net of public prestige or a manager with media training to insulate me in that way. Sometimes I think, "oh yeah being popular would be really cool" but reframing it in a practical way and taking into account anxiety levels, the pressure of having reputation responsibility is daunting. Fame isn’t something I chase; if I wanted that I would go about my entire existence in a totally different way. The capitalistic aspect of grinding for society’s version of “success” is my least favorite part of the job - so loathed that I devote a whole chapter to it. It may be surprising to some of my fans that my life goals aren't to be a celebrity or an icon - I want a traditional, stable life, I want to be a wife and mom one day, and I want to always create art at my own pace with my own creative control. If popularity became a consequence of my projects, a byproduct of my output, I would probably go missing and emerge mysteriously ever so often to post new Cyberhorny studies. I basically do that now lol. But who knows? Maybe I could become the type of person who embraces being perceived and seeks it out. It's not about me, though, I am simply a vessel for this information.
My work is visionary, not consumerist. I want to be eternal, not trendy. There is a hugely dissonant tension between the purity of creating art from the heart, and the exploitative of commercial entertainment for material or status-oriented gains.
Working in entertainment or content creation, an artist must commodify their joy to become commercially successful. I find that deeply unsettling (yet of course I still do it lol). The psychotic, relentless, carnivorous promo. The hustle culture. The artist’s dilemma is that they take something pure like a painting, a piece of music, a video, or a book, and have to advertise it effectively in order for it to have an audience. In that advertising, if it enters the realm of clout chasing, the product can become corrupted. I’ve never been a social climber or status seeker. In my ideal world, my work would have recognition for its artistic merit, and my personal life/ private self would not be necessary to commodify. I recognize that using my appearance, while I’m still young and attractive, is the most effective strategy to market my art and intellect. Lure them in with my body, and keep them with my discourse. No nepotism for me thanks, just nudism.
Success is subjective. What does it look like to you? In your career, in your relationships, in your own self-actualization? To me, it at its simplest looks like peace of mind and leisure time. Happiness in my community, friendships, and personal life. Happiness with the quality of my work and the quality of my audience, niche as it may be. My output is not conducive to mass appeal so I stay in the spaces where I know I’m welcomed and celebrated. People will occasionally tell me to dream bigger or hustle more or take the lead in promoting myself, and I tell them my brain doesn’t work like that. As if my life has already not involved relentless hustling, intrinsic motivation, perfectionism, and massive amounts of pressure. I do what I can to the best of my ability and emotional bandwidth. Every year more people get introduced to Nastya Valentine and Cyberhorny just by virtue of me choosing to continue to exist and advocating for the project — you never know whose consciousness you live in. To me, it’s important to have a library of high quality content, high quality customer service, and the highest quality of authenticity. Will that change? Who knows. One day, I would like to have an art gallery show archiving my OF experiences in totality, fidelity, and immersion. My OF page is already like an art gallery of explicit delights, but it would be very cool to concretize it within a physical space, and give it some deeper meaning, something unhinged and awe-inspiring. Something pure, from the heart - an XXX trauma oasis.
Talk to anyone about being sick of the clout chasing instant gratification culture we live in, and we all resent it - the constant need to outdo ourselves and daily machinelike push to produce more and more and more content - but this will not relent for a long time. It is a new technological reality that we adapt to, so sit back and become an advertisement and watch as everything around you becomes one too. Navigate it, boss up, thug it out, handle it, go to work, or don’t.
What DO I have to shield me from all this nonsense?
Having a spiritual infrastructure, as well as a general sense of confidence and integrity, keeps me sane. I’m reiki certified and my practice of spiritual hygiene requires weekly checking in with myself on a heart based level. I also check in with a therapist weekly. The internet is an astral plane, and some of my work with clients is not dissimilar to a reiki session or energetic, almost psychedelic exchange. Cybersex is trippy. After a client session in the astral e-plane I always ritualize a practice to ground myself back into reality. After a few years of grinding ceaselessly on the OF market hamster wheel, long accumulating 14+ hour screentimes and interfacing with so much immaterial energy that affected me in the physical body, I was called to do my fourth in life ayahuasca session - a psychic reset. Ayahuasca… they say it’s 10,000 hours of psychoanalysis in one trip? I dive deeper into this in the full book, but the intensity of psychedelic healing gave me many ego-destroying, soul-obliterating takeaways to integrate into my daily life and into my approach to certain concepts of my work. To be alive is beautiful. But it’s also messy, difficult, and complicated. I was on my period during the ayahuasca session, my first in years since I had stopped birth control. I was rediscovering my own feminine energy and natural cycle, and the emotional warfare that comes with being hormonal.
When I am hormonal and bereft, things a sex model robot doll theoretically should never succumb to, I have a cycle of coping mechanisms to alleviate my earthly female pains. There is almost no dialogue in the adult industry (a rarity - a field dominated by women) about periods and hormones, and gynecological sexual health. It's a painful but unignorable part of a woman’s life, and in this particular industry it can impact the ability to work for a week every month - lest the illusions of perfection be shattered. Most entertainers are presumably healthy when they are first perceived. To be perceived is a horror as much as it is a joy. I guess it’s a good thing my psychiatrist sessions are bound by HIPPA confidentiality.
Along with mental discontents, my physical body gets exhausted very easily. I haven’t even gotten into how online sex work is a godsend for neurodivergent, neuro-challenged, chronically ill creators who aren’t able to work a “”regular job,”” or even moms who don’t get maternity leave via the US’s flawed workspace structures. The flexibility of working from home on a self-built schedule, working from bed, is a huge plus. Any perceived flaw that isn’t in the western standard of beauty - big feet, small ass, fat, flat, hairy, glasses, disabled, pregnant, stretch marks, tattoos, scars, unconventionality etc - has a market on the internet if one works it smart enough. Again, that’s not to say it’s an easy moneymaker, far from it. We are our own means of production, we also are our own product. Each OnlyFans creator is their own photographer, model, agent, marketer, editor, customer service rep, and client relations expert. The self-employed creator economy is very tough, but the comfort of not having to ask for sick leave or preapproved time off is an appealing advantage.
When life gets tough, I really can’t go it alone — collaborations and community are critical to bring joy, bring ideas to life, maintain sanity and harness inner strength. I present as strong online - and it’s true, one has to be resilient to do this work - but “you’re a strong woman” isn’t the compliment men think it is. I get told this all the time and even though I say "thank you", inside I'm a little bit triggered. Having strength out of necessity and survival is traumatizing. I alone cannot lift the burden of existence - I’m secretly a damsel in distress, exhausted by doing everything diy my whole life - and to accomplish personal and professional goals I require community and help.
In 2023 my business partner and I officially started Cyberhorny LLC, creating merch and writing my book, side questing a dream book in the process. Cyberhorny Dream Diaries is out now: it’s available to order and it had a soft release at my birthday party. When asking for critique or feedback, readers say “it’s really hard to describe” “it’s dense but also aesthetically pleasing” “I’ve never read anything like it” “I had no idea it was going to be that personal” “absolutely demented” “genius” “what the fuck did I just read?” … so that should give you some idea of what to expect when you open it. Don’t even expect anything - come into it with an open mind and a gooner mentality.
I’ve done readings of Cyberhorny Dream Diaries, available online now, and appeared on a few podcasts and experimental research shows. The book hasn’t had an official hard launch yet - an event I’m working on that’s yet to come.
Every year I have some kind of project alongside my sex work endeavors. My artistic loads need to get jizzed out too. 2020, Hentai & Crack. 2022, Cyber Castle. 2023, Dream Diaries. 2024 and beyond, Cyberhorny: Navigating a Sexual Dystopia. I have all this depression all the time of “ugh I can’t get anything done why am I so unmotivated” but as I write this and take stock of all my shit — it’s a full toilet.
The great sewer drain of burnout that still continues to haunt me with emotional sepsis. I’m tired and overwhelmed. I don’t wanna go online today. A year of working part-time, working less, has been great for stress reduction but it certainly hasn’t healed me. I stress about relevance in one of the most oversaturated fields and I stress about income in one of the most expensive cities. I need a lifelong or deathlong vacation. I have existed in a constant state of half-exhaustion to where I can function daily to work and survive, but doing basic daily tasks like laundry and cleaning become secondary. And the practice of self care? I don’t know, I try various coping mechanisms. Full relaxation is a luxury I cannot always afford. If having burnout is like having a broken leg, I’ve been not letting it heal properly — I haven’t been laboring it with marathons, but I’m walking on the leg rather than recuperating. My work can often be invisible but it's still laborious. The immense amount of information and data on my devices overwhelm me. That’s an understatement. Diseases of the ego permeate, and my energy needs a massive healing. I haven’t found a way to hack or gamify it yet. The body and mind need rest. If I was my boss I would probably fire me. Jettison me from the stratosphere to hurtle down to the ground like a comet. We all begin and end somewhere, all we have in the in-between is entropy and gooning. Might as well enjoy it while we can.
And who knows? Down the line far after I’m retired, perhaps in an entirely different life - I could look back at my nudes from the 20’s and go damn.. I was hot.
Dear reader,
Did I answer in this text any of my aforementioned rhetorical questions? Or did this simply cultivate more questions without a clear answer?
Currently writing the full Cyberhorny research text, and planning my next moves … idk trying to enjoy my life ? Excuse me for chilling, forgive me for not grinding.
AND my book 📚😛💗 -- THIS IS MY ARRAKIS
Nastya Valentine, April 69, 3028
The Goonersburg Undressed 🏦💦✍️
Four whore and seven hundred simps ago ☝️📜 our simulation designers 💻 brought forth on this cuntinent 👅🌍 , a new presence on the sexualized media platforms 🍑👀, conceived 🤰 in sperm of the moment existence, and dedicated 😤 to the sex position that all men 👮🏻♂️👷♂️👨🏾🌾👨🏽💻👨🏼🔧👨🚀🧞♂️🤷♂️ are created to goon ✊💦
Now she is engaged in a great war 🤼♀️ of inner demons, 👺👹😈😈 testing whether that a cyber whore 👩🏻💻💋🏩🏩 as herself, or any cyber citizen so CUNTceived 🍼🍼and so deDICKated, can long endure the great jacking. 🌅🤦♀️🤷♂️🔥🔥💦💦💦
We are met on a HORNY 🥵 interconnected network♾️🌐🌐, a battle-fuck 🤼💥 of that war: the battle of gooning and edging. 📉📈😩😩
We have CUM (many times.. many, many times) 🤓🤗😳 to deDICKate a WHOREtion of that network🌐🌐, as a final fisting place 👊✊👏 for those who here gave their holes 🕳️ 👄 so that our gooners 🥒🍠🥔🍆 might jack it. 🆘🆘🔞🔞
It is altogether titilating and pornographic 🔞🔥that we should do this.🗣️🗣️✊😩😩
But, ☝️ in a larger sex, 😨 we can not DICKtate 🙅♂️-- we can not CUMsecrate 🙇♂️-- we can not suck dry and swallow 👁️ 👅 👁️ -- this ground. The brave men, 🎖️gooning and perverted, 🪖🪖🥵🥵 who tugged it here, 🍆🍆🤞👌 have conSUCKrated it, far above our power to add or DICKtract. 📐➗✖️💦 The world 🌎 will little note, nor longggggg RIMmember 🧠👅💅 what we say 💬 here, but it can never 4some 👯♀️👯♂️ what they jacked here. It is for us the perverts😜😜🤪, rather, to be dedicated 🤲 here to the uncircumsized 🚀work which they who fingered 🖖 here have thus far so nobly pubed. 🙄🙄😤💯💯
It is rather for us to be here jacking it 🍆🏅 to the great tASSk 🍑👏 remaining before us -- that from these horny redditors 💻📱😛😛🤧🤧 we take increased DICKvotion to that cause 💪 for which they gave the last full measure 📐🤨🤨📏 of their loads ⛲️-- that we here highly resperm ☝️ that these pervs 😈😈🛗 shall not have gooned in vain 👅👅🔥🌋 -- that this nation, under COCK 🍆 , shall have a new birth of freeDOM ⛓️😤⛓️ -- and that government 🏦🗽💦💦 of the perverts, by the perverts, for the perverts, 👄 shall not 🙅♂️be backshotted from the earth ⛲️⛲️⛲️🌏🥵
LONELY PROSTITUTE AT NIGHT, SAILORS DELIGHT 🌙🛥️ 😛
LONELY PROSTITUTE IN THE MORNING, SAILORS TAKE WARNING 🌞🛥️ ‼️
Poetry leads us to the same place as all forms of eroticism — the blending and fusion of separate objects. It leads us to eternity, it leads us to death, and through death to continuity. Poetry is eternity; the sun matched to the sea. ~G.B.
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